Herstory

It was my first year in College, fresh from the Middle East where I spent most of my adolescence. A month shy of a year since I got my heart broken for the first time (my first love and boyfriend dumped me in 2002 and deep down I blamed myself for not pursuing the crazy idea of moving to Davao just so we could be in the same City to get our college degrees – but we’ve remained good friends all these years, thought I should mention that before we let our 16 year old selves hate on our first boyfriends and first exes, LELZ), when my friends Lance and George introduced blogging to me, March of 2003. And as I type this wannabe “Introduction to my First Novel” of an entry more than 12 years later, I am astonished at how long it’s been since I feasted my eyes on Blogger’s homepage for the first time.

Hold up – give me a few minutes to actually digest this information.

 We have him to thank, too. Hahaha!

Left : 13 years after he broke my heart ; Right : A few months before he broke my heart. LOL. We have him to thank, too. Hahaha!

 

My Blog was (and still proves to be) my solace, apart from my Faith and overall knack for Masochism (I kid … ?) It’s been a part of my life ever since I typed “BONJOUR! COMMENT ALEZ-VOUS?” as the first three words on my very first post (I cringe at the thought of 15 -year-old me typing them, acting so smug for assuming I know a lot of French. But who hasn’t gone through that phase).

 Left : Lance ; RIght : George. And there's a reason why these photos are pixelated, they were taken more than a decade ago in my Sony P900. Ha! We seriously need to update these photos.

Left : Lance ; Right : George. And there’s a reason why these photos are pixelated, they were taken more than a decade ago in my Sony P900. Ha! We seriously need to update these photos.

 

It’s become an extension of my Moleskine (back in College I owned a Kama Sutra themed journal. I bought it because of its pretty suede cover). Most days I bare my soul on the digital pages of my Blog, because let’s face it : It’s a beautiful thing to feel like you’re heard even when you know no one’s really listening. It’s comforting to think that maybe, just maybe – someone, somewhere is going through your posts, nodding their heads in agreement, wiping tears from their eyes (LOL, I wish I was that effective). I’d like to think people who’d stumble across my Blog could relate to me a hunnet pehcent. Be that the case (deep down I know it isn’t, but agree with me anyway), it’s one of the things that makes me sleep at night : The thought that I am not alone.

This has always been my pledge. The struggle of staying true to yourself when trends continue to change (as it’s supposed to) could be one of the most challenging things you could ever go through. I tried to go with the flow. I tried to go against it. And I just ended up caught in the current, losing myself. I later realized that you should just go in whatever direction your heart tells you. “You don’t live in a two dimensional world, Abbie. Life doesn’t really just go two ways”.  I heard myself say.

I remember days when I would wonder what was I doing wrong, why wasn’t I an effective Blogger like my other friends were, why wasn’t I getting recognition for certain things, why wasn’t my Blog getting a lot of hits, and all the other self-depreciating questions I would have self-depreciating answers to. To me it felt like I was doing everything they were doing, but I still didn’t get to people. The pressure was too much to the point where I didn’t have anything left of myself to squash with my bony feet.

And then I stopped. Not the questioning, but the Blogging. It wasn’t long before my life spiraled down (I’m a Drama Queen for sure, but I was going through the darkest days of my life. I’d like to be optimistic and think that that was it). For a time, it felt like I was merely alive. I don’t even remember what I was doing then, they all seem like a blur to me. So let’s not go there.

 I miss her EVERYDAY.

I miss her EVERYDAY.

 

I don’t remember what brought me to this moment. All I know is that I woke up one day wanting to fight, wanting to pick up and save whatever I could of myself and make beautiful things and words and stories. For me. For whoever could be going through the same thing.

I have nothing against the way people decide to use their Blogs. But I’ve finally set myself free from feeling the need to belong to these awesome, awesome circle of People. It’s not who I am. And for the first time in my life, I’m okay with it. I no longer pressure myself to categorize my life, and limit how much of myself and my heart I put out there.

I have made peace with past and present Abbie. And now, here we are. I thank God I’m still here.

I thank God you still are.

About

Sun Sign : Cancer, Moon Sign : Aquarius, a former INFP (early 2015), turned INFJ-T (mid 2015), turned INFP-T (end of 2015). Sorted into Ravenclaw in 2009. I believe that covers everything. No? Okay, you've earned it. I'll let you hand me the Microphone HERE.

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